I have a few concerns these days. My good friend Stephen Colbert reminded me just how to take care of them. PUT THEM ON NOTICE!
Shaun – you need to reply to my emails. It breaks my heart not knowing how you are every moment of the day. Really? Is it so hard to respond to forty-eight emails or return one of twenty calls?
Jeff – When you borrow someone’s CD of Peter Cetera’s greatest hits to burn a copy of, it is not polite to take it with you when you move out of state.
Jason – For the love of God! Would you just hook up with this woman? Who cares if she is married, has three children, and taking care of a sick mother. I think I speak for all of us when I say we have no problem with you dating a woman twice your age. Who cares if her kids are your peers? Love has no boundaries and even makes its way to the smokiest of crack dens, where you two met.
Kristy – You are too smart. Way, way too smart. So smart that I suspect you already have deduced our plans. We are drawing straws to see which one of us hits you over the head to take you down a few pegs on the IQ charts.
Kyle – Could you not be so sexy? I can’t seem to meet any women since I have met you.
Ben – Open up a little. People like you for who you are. If you only would come out of your shell a little I think you might find more friends.
The Next Company Planning on Buying My Company – Please make it quick. I don’t have enough out of date polo shirts with obscure and made up software names… people are not finding my resume confusing enough to follow. Also, I could use another welcome bag with pens, a t-shirt that is too small, water bottle, and you better throw in an ugly mouse pad – I have worn out the last three over the last three years from previous purchases.
Bears – As I take my vacation in the north woods of the Upper Peninsula of Michigan, please take note that I know you can smell menstrual blood up to ten miles away, and that is only the blood from a scrapped knee from me falling off my bike that you will smell. I am not menstruating.